I know what it feels like to be in so much pain that you pray for death to end your suffering. I also know what it’s like to not desire death, but to be perfectly fine with it because death FINALLY means an end to the long suffering. I know what it’s like to look at yourself horrified that you are now a fraction of what you used to be. I also know what it’s like to wonder if those around you are there because they feel sorry for you or if they are there because of love. I know what it’s like to worry if one day you will be unable to make decisions for yourself and will truly be at the mercy of others. I also know what it’s like to frantically search for peace without success. I know what it’s like to have bone chilling and crippling pain, when outwardly you look fine. I also know what it’s like to feel defeated thinking your current physicial state will be life going forward.
Friends, I know what its like to be tired of being strong. You silently pray someone would graciously carry your load for just five minutes and give you a break. I know what it’s like to anxiously weigh going to the hospital versus suffering at home, simply becuase you fear how the doctors and staff will treat you. You suffer panic attacks simply thinking about being forced to go seek medical treatment or explain your conditions to a judgemental doctor. I also know what it’s like to despartely try to hold onto some sense of normalcy, that seems to flee faster the tighter you grasp. I know what its like to only exist and continue fighting becuase those you love could not handle your death. I also know what its like to silently petition God to simply stop the pain.
Simply put, I KNOW.
Life is a funny thing, you are born in this world completely reliant on those around you, and before you die (if you are blessed to live a long life), you return to the same state. How crazy is it that? If you are “blessed” with a long life, at some point you start to slowly return to the same state you were in when you entered this world. Life somehow brings you full circle. The very thought of coming full circle, for me, is quite frightening. But voluntarily throwing in the towel is even more frightening…so I don’t.