Reward If Found

I need your help. I am trying to find a young woman that is approximately 5 feet 7 inches tall weighing 132 pounds. The last time I saw her, she had sandy brown shoulder length hair, brown eyes, and Carmel skin with a red undertone. She has no tattoos or body piercing outside of her ear piercings, but she does have freckles covering her nose. She usually wears a basketball uniform with the number 45, white converse high tops, and gold hoop earrings. If you see her without gold hoop earrings, you likely have the wrong person.   

This person I am looking for, is someone very dear to me. This is someone I love very much, and miss terribly. I wish I could provide more information on her, but it has been quite some time since I have seen her. Last we spoke, her favorite color was purple, she loved singers like Whitney Houston, Anita Baker, Celine Dion, Bonnie Rait, Dolly Parton, and Michael McDonald, and she loved bike riding, rollerskating, and tumbling.  Oh, most importantly, her name…Me. Yeah, you read that right. I am looking for Me. 

You ever look at yourself and wonder what happened to you? I don’t know about you, but there are times when I look at myself and don’t recognize who I see. My once athletic frame has been replaced by a thin silhouette. The body that once stood at 5 feet 7 inches now stands tall at 5 feet 5 inches without shoes thanks to osteoperosis. Yes people, shrinking is a thing…but I digress. The once smooth carmel skin is now slightly scarred from repeated IVs, surgeries, childbirth, and simply life. The once beautiful sandy brown hair now has chunks of grey like Rogue from X-Men. It also has patches missing from years on chemo medication. But, its not just the physical changes that make me unrecognizable…it goes deeper than that. My fight, passion, and fire has vanished too.

The woman I am today, good and bad, is so differnet from the woman I envisioned when I pictured myself years ago. See, battling chronic illness and pain for so long, has changed me inside and out. But, so has simply living. I often talk about the external changes, but never allow myself to fully acknowledge the internal changes…the ones that go to the core of me. Lately though, with everything happening around me, I have found myself examining all aspects of me…hoping to reclaim some of what I’ve lost. In order to do that, I had to first acknowledge that I disappeared. Somehow I slowly faded into the background with little desire to be visible again. Interesting how that happens, huh? I drew inward for strength to deal with all the curveballs being thrown my way, but forget to come back out. Actually, I didn’t forget, I chose not to come back out. See, out meant being exposed, vulnerable, and I wanted no part of that.

Despite my conscious refusal to come out again, I also refused to stay in. I’ve written every single day since I disappeared, and thanks to encouraging words from a friend I will release those writings and get back to blogging, finally. So, for those looking for Me…I’m here. 

15 thoughts

  1. So glad you’re posting again. Be sure you give yourself permission and time to GRIEVE for what you’ve lost.

    But the ESSENCE (pun intended) of you has NOT been lost – because that is an inner spirit, a light, that may be changed and yet is ever the same. As a BEING – you may not LOOK the same, you may not be able to DO all the things you once did. But that CORE – your soul, if you will – is there. I certainly think *I* see it when I’m with you, fundamentally unchanged. And I don’t think you’re play-acting with me – at least I HOPE not!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much…I really needed those words. At times my light felt dim, if you will. But, this period of absence has shown me that my light still shines as bright….but maybe not as long as I am used to. Thankfully though, I now see that it’s still shining…even if it periodically needs a rest. I took the routine need to rest as a indication that this piece also changed. And, no, I don’t fake it with you. What I appreciate most about our friends is that I can unapologetically be me…tired, cranky, giddy, pissed, neurotic, random me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I know what you are talking about, completely. I basically reinvented myself because I could no longer be my former self, she had too many abilities that this self does not have, so I had to adjust and remake myself to a calmer, less active, me. I’m happy that I did it because I know myself so much better now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve missed you and have been wondering if you are OK. I’m so sorry that things have gotten more difficult; I do understand a lot of what you’re talking about, and it is so darn unfair. I was so desperate last week after 3 weeks in bed and being house-bound that I took a double dose of anti-inflammatories and would have huffed steroids if I had them. Stupid risk because of low kidney function, but there I was. Two days later I woke up early and *felt normal*!! OMG. I forgot what that was; I always took that type of energy for granted, and now it’s an almost unattainable goal. I won’t even talk about the thinning hair, and then there is the weight loss… Two days after that it was gone. Just a brief flash of what I used to be.

    So, I hear you. I suspect that things are worse for you, but I so want to hear how you are doing. Hang in there! Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

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