If you ask most men their fantasy, I am willing to bet money they would respond “to have a threesome”. What is it about a threesome that represents the true definition of sexual pleasure for most men? Now, while I have found that lots of women also love a good threesome, that “fantasy”, if you will, tends to be more popular with men. So, I often find myself wondering, what is the big deal with three-somes “? Seriously, what is it?
Now, before I continue, let me just say that this post is NOT about three-somes. Sorry peeps, but it is NOT that type of party. This post is also not about people that engage in three-somes. While I have ZERO issues with three-somes, or those that enjoy them, they are just not my thing. Personally, I don’t like to share. I don’t share shoes so sharing my man is DEFINITELY out of the question. Also friends, I am too easily distracted to worry about pleasuring two other people, in addition to myself, at one time. SOMEONE is SURE to be forgotten…it won’t be me though! Shoot, I am always proud of myself when I go to the store alone with my two kiddos and we all return home. WINNING! But I digress.
Three of anything at once, for me personally, just seems like too much…even of stuff I enjoy. I love me some bacon, but would NEVER shove three pieces in my mouth at one time. I would probably vomit then forever hate bacon. No, now that I type this, nothing could make me hate bacon. But, I wouldn’t eat three pieces at once. I love to slowly eat one piece of bacon at a time, and enjoy every single bite. I love to note the differences between each slice and measure the “crunch factor” of each piece as I slowly chew…a level 4 crunch factor is my favorite. So, while I may eat 10 slices of bacon in one sitting…I do it one at a time. You picking up what I’m putting down friends?
Well friends, recently I made a horrible decision and bit off way more than I could chew. Metaphorically speaking of course. Recently though, I decided it would be a great idea to have uterine polyps surgically removed, take my Remicade infusion, and my methotrexate injection all on the same day…within hours of one another. Yeah I know, reading this you are thinking “are you insane…?” My response friends, “possibly!” But, on a brighter note, anesthesia turns me into Liza Manellie. Yes people, a few weeks ago I spent most of my Friday in a butt out hospital gown singing show tunes…including “Boy From New York City”, “All That Jazz”, “Give My Regards To Broadway”, and “When The Parade Goes Passing Bye”, just to name a few. I digress.
Now, in my defense, being type A I am all about efficiency. So, in my mind, my plan of surgery, Remicade, and methotrexate all on the same day made perfect sense. See, in my mind, I was saving time since I would already be in a hospital for my surgery, might as well go get the Remicade. Then, since I was already groggy, might as well do the methotrexate so I won’t feel the needle stick. See that reasoning and proactive planning there? Three birds with one stone if you will. Well, needless to say, I ended up with three hard reality checks.
So, that Friday started out at 4:30 am, which is unlike most Fridays. I was at the end of my REM sleep when I was startled awake by my alarm clock. Hungry from fasting the night before and disoriented, I stumbled out of bed into my bathroom to find my alarm clock. Yes people, I have to put my alarm clock far away from me or else I would never arrive anywhere on time. Who are you to judge me? But, again, I digress. After successfully locating and disarming my alarm clock, I made myself a warm bath to kick off my day. Cautiously optimistic about how the day would go, I took a quick bath, got dressed, and was headed out the door to the hospital for my surgery…all in under 2 hours. Go me!
My polyp removal surgery was shockingly uneventful. In fact, by noon several uterine polyps had been removed and biopsied, I had scucessfully sang 4 Broadway hits, made it out of recovery, and was headed to my second hospital for my Remicade infusion. As I made my way to the infusion center, I felt the anesthesia wearing off but I would not let a little pain deter me from completing my goal of doing all three procedures. Now, you would think at this point I would say to myself “self, why don’t you cancel your other procedures and go home to rest?” Oh no, I said “pull yourself together you weenie, you have two more procedures to make it through.” Yeah, my self talk is not warm and fuzzy…effective though.
I arrived to the hospital infusion center around 1:30pm. Completely starved at this point from fasting since 9pm the night before, I decided to eat a turkey sandwich during my 4 hour infusion. Bad decision. And, to add insult to injury, I somehow managed to forget that I had just had surgery and only felt amazing because I was still feeling the effects of the anesthesia. So, despite noticing that the anesthesia was wearing off, I neglected to take the prescribed pain meds and three bites into my turkey sandwich I felt a pain worse than child birth. You know a pain so intense that you LITERALLY feel cold on the inside. Yeah, that pain.
So, here is what I learned from this little adventure as I laid in the infusion center projectile vomiting and calling on God to take me out immediately and end the pain. First, efficiency doesn’t always guarantee the best decision. Said another way, just because something appears to be the most efficient way of doing something, that doesn’t mean it is the smartest or best way of doing it. Now, I will admit, days ago you could not have convinced me of this. In my mind, efficient always meant better. Well friends, I am woman enough to admit just how wrong I was. Friends, I was as wrong as two left shoes. Second, just because doctors allow you to do something, doesn’t make it a smart decision. I told every doctor I came in contact with on Friday my plans for the day. While each gave me an inquisitive look, some even looked concerned (or constipated I couldn’t decide) NO ONE questioned my plan. No one said “um, Captain Clueless, maybe you should reconsider.” Third, never be afraid to scrap your plans, even mid plan. My type A personality makes me push myself to see things to completion. So, I was committed to getting all three procedures done the same day. In retrospect, I would’ve told my type A, overly efficient and committed self to take a break. My actions ended with an infection from the surgery (because I further suppressed my already suppressed system), a longer recovery, several days of bed rest, and several missed events. Friends, learn from my mistakes.