It’s been 49 days since my last post. No, I am not dead, in the hospital, or physicially unable to post. I wish there was a great reason for my absence, like I was enjoying my new found remission, but there really is none. I could say it’s because of my grief due to the loss of my cousin, but when I search deep within myself I know that is actually not the reason for my absence. The devastation of his sudden death actually gave me more motivation than ever to write. In the days and weeks following his senseless murder I frantically wrote to distract myself and pass the time. I could try and convince myself that I have somehow lost my motivation to write, but that will never happen. So, candidly dear friends, I have so much I want to say, yet find myself unsure of what to say. I also have so much to say, that is so deep and personal, that I have found myself afraid to see it in writing. See, my life has been moving in hyperdrive and these days I barely recognize it.
For 49 days, I have sat at my keyboard for hours on end, mind racing, and tried to decide what to type. For 49 days I have carried my thoughts around in my mind and on my heart, every minute of every day…but terrified to let them out. For 49 days I have started blog posts only to delete them. Well, I am at a place where I can’t continue to carry them around with me…they have to come out. So, here I am.
Mind racing, hands clammy, I sit alone in my dark bedroom willing myself to type this post. Willing myself to detail the countless self discoveries caused by the rapid change around me. I sit here, alone in the dark, willing myself to disclose that the complete picture I have always seen of myself, is actually a blank slate. See, I have always thought my story was complete…but I know realize it is actually just beginning. Every single day I wake to a new adventure, and for a control freak like myself that is horribly frightening.