Talk Dirty To Me!

You’re at a party with your significant other. You may be married, engaged, or just dating, but you are together at a party having a great time. You’ve danced the night away, laughed, and as the night winds down you spend the remaining time dancing slowly on the dance floor. Your bodies are pressed together, and you feel the warmth of your significant other’s breath on your neck. That feeling surely brings back great memories and you can’t help but notice that internal tingle. You know the one, that tingle that hits you in those special places. As your bodies sway back and forth in perfect rhythm, you can’t help but notice the embrace around you getting tighter. As the embrace gets tighter and now includes a periodic caress, your significant other’s breath on your neck gets heavier. Excited, you take in all the sounds and sensations. Suddenly, through the heavy breathing, your significant other softly whispers in your ear, “let’s get out of here so I can get you home. I can’t wait to take off your clothes, put your TENS machine on you, and rub your joints down with Ben-gay.”

I KNOW, I KNOW, you thought this was going somewhere else! Well, it’s not. This is not that type of blog you Nasty McNastersons! THIS blog is about chronic illness and pain. Now, before you stop reading, let me say there WILL be discussions about sex…just not the HBO version. See, while lots of people battling chronic illness and pain do in fact get down with the get down, even those lucky few still can’t escape their illness and pain. So, talking dirty, foreplay, intimacy, and even sex may be a little different. 

A recent situation made me reflect on just how much battling chronic illness and pain has changed my life. It’s funny, and a little sad, but when you battle chronic illness and pain, it changes everything about your life. It changes friendships, conversations, your energy level, where you exert your energy, heck, how you even define energy. Speaking of defining things, it can change how you define things such as sex and intimacy, and even how you perceive things…like dirty talk. It is completely disruptive to ALL aspects of you life…not to mention the actual physical limitations caused by having chronic illness and pain. I’m tired just typing about it. 

There was a time that my definition of someone talking dirty to me would’ve been something like “I can’t wait to get you home and watch you undress slowly. As you slowly take off your clothes, I want to watch and enjoy every inch of your body. When you are done, I want to lay you down and have you wrap those long legs around me and …”. Yes friends, that’s getting dirty. I think we all know where it was headed so there was no need to continue. But, today, oh man, my definition of someone talking dirty to me is dramatically different. If my husband said anything similar to what I typed above, it would almost certainly piss me off and lead to an argument. I am almost positive in my mind I would be thinking “ok so eff my pain I guess. I’m supposed to unbutton all these buttons with arthritis and then still be in the mood for other stuff with my inflamed sausage fingers? Then, you want me to stand there just free in the wind shivering because you know I will be freezing…just so you can look at me? Finally, as if I haven’t been tortured enough, you SOMEHOW want these legs wrapped around you? That sounds like a whole lot of freaking work…and not much reciprocity. What exactly will you contribute to this fantasy?” 

See here’s the thing about living with chronic illness and pain, the ONLY time you are TRULY relieved of its strong hold is when you are sleep. So, even in fantasy land, you STILL know it’s there. Yes, you read that right. From sun up to sun down, like most people in my same situation, I am constantly reminded of my illness and pain. The ONLY time I can say without hesitation that I do not feel pain or think about my illness, is when I am sleeping. So, any dirty talk to me would have to factor for my various ailments…and my personality. It couldn’t involve me table dancing and twerking in stilettos, sliding down a pole, having multiple costume changes, or anything equally strenuous. But, it could involve me table dancing barefoot, showing up unannounced at your job wearing only a trench coat, or a road side detour during a long drive. All good things, right? 

Now, I am willing to admit that I am bit of an odd duck. We have discussed this in a few previous posts. But, I kinda dance to the beat of my own drum…and after 35 years on this Earth I am perfectly fine with that. One odd thing about me, as my friends like to note, is that I lack an imagination. I KNOW, I KNOW, this is so hard to believe but I assure you friends it’s true. My real life is so ridiculous that there is absolutely no need for make believe. So, I am not the person sitting around the camp fire making up fictitious stories. I’m the one asking questions about the made up story and upset at the facts that would never happen in real life. Yeah, I’m the client in therapy interrupting the therapist’s relaxation exercise asking “why does your story have so many doors to open when a lot of your patients have auto-immune disorders like lupus, MS, rheumatoid arthritis, that make using their hands difficult?” Yep, I’m the person that won’t laugh at any joke that starts with “so a priest and rabbi walk into a bar” because I’ve stopped listening after recognizing early on it will NEVER happen.  

So, why have you wasted 3 minutes of your life reading this? Well, I am so glad you asked. BECAUSE THERE IS A TAKE AWAY. The take away, always be sensitive to those around you living with chronic illness and pain. While imagination land may be your escape to a place without illness and pain…most people with chronic illness and pain are not so lucky. For most of us, there is no escape. So, to allow us as your partners, friends, and significant other’s to enjoy imagination land with you, create one available for us. Sometimes your created imagination land, if done wrong, is a cold reminder of what can’t happen in reality due to chronic illness and pain.  

23 thoughts

    • I am so happy to hear this was helpful! Yes, it is very difficult to watch those you love battle with chronic illness and pain. But, I always tell people, ask them flat out what they need or how you can help. It seems easy and so straight forward, but very few people actually do it.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Good Morning….well to be honest I started to read your post a couple days ago and thought, wow, her writing has taken a twist, since I don’t really engage in post written about sex, I thought I will come back in a couple days and see what else your up to…as I was raking in the yard, I thought there is no way she has started to write sexual post…so here I am…I started it over, got through the dance and started laughing at the TENS unit and bengay…still smiling….great post…so glad I reconsidered it and came back…sex is a thing of the past to me, even if my body didn’t hurt from arthritis, since I had a hysterectomy there is no drive to be intimate…my husband is very understanding and also 14 years older than me, thank my lucky stars….but great post…and funny how all priorities change when disease takes over….kat

    Liked by 1 person

    • Good morning!!! I am SOOOOO glad you came back!!!! Unfortunately a lack of sex or SIGNIFICANT DECREASE in sexual activity is a reality for most people battling chronic illness and pain. AT some point I may write another post about sex, but it will always be from the perspective of encouraging those with chronic illness and pain and their loved one. My constant struggle is trying to maintain intimacy with my husband during the difficult times when sex is nonexistent…but being a transparent voice for others so they don’t feel alone or become convinced that their marriage will automatically fail.

      Liked by 1 person

      • We find that laying together, holding, cuddling and just laying and talking quietly is a great way to keep intimacy without the sex is working for us….and sometimes taking a shower together…it little more info than you probably want but just putting it out there….at least your close and naked!!! bonus for the men…LOL

        Liked by 2 people

      • LOL. I talk about shit…so I KNOW I have over shared multiple times. But all jokes aside, never feel like something you say will be TMI. IT WON’T BE. I am a sponge taking everything in. So, I am learning from every word said. What you just shared was so simple and straight forward, yet SOOO HELPFUL. I am working on a post about maintaining intimacy with the absence of sex and this will be VERY helpful!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know if I have sent this comment before but my mother has chronic pain and is addicted to pain meds. She is 84. Her doctors let her medication build up and then taper it down because a person of her age should not be on a level of pain meds that would kill most people (as told to me by a doctor at the emergency room). I have ridden the roller coaster of feelings surrounding her pain. I have resented her for doing yard work the day before a family get-together and being in so much pain because of it that she can’t attend. I have worried about the pain meds. I have been embarrassed by her drug seeking (previously alcohol was her drug of choice). I have had compassion. And finally, I have enjoyed the difference in her on pain meds and on alcohol. She is functional on pain meds. I’m not proud of my roller coaster of feelings, yet I can’t allow myself to feel shame either. Feelings are feelings and we all have a right to them, we don’t often choose them. I, like you, have no imagination. I call it being a realist, my husband calls it negativity. I can pick apart a gourd.

    Thanks for the reminder that people with chronic pain, especially one’s mother, deserve compassion and understanding.

    Liked by 3 people

    • This is my first time seeing your comment, and I am SOO GLAD you sent it. First, thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment. Second, I understand. People often forget that yes it is difficult living with chronic illness and pain…but it is also very difficult loving and supporting someone living it’s chronic illness and pain. Early on my husband used to get very upset at me for “pushing myself too hard” and being unable to attend important events. But, we had a LONG sit down discussion and I was able to put some things in perspective. See, when you live with pain 24 hrs a day, when you get an hour or minute that you can do what you normally can’t, you take FULL advantage of it because you never know when that will happen again. So, if I wake up one day without swollen joints, I am hitting Target, driving, I may try and clean my house and several other things…even if that means I may be down for 10 days after. Why? Because I never know when I will be well enough again to just stroll through Target or clean my house or cook for my family. Also, being unable to do those things does take a toll and make you feel guilty so you push when you shouldn’t. It is this terrible roller coaster as you said. But, THE BEST gift to a loved one living with chronic illness and pain and compassion. They are surrounded by people questioning their illness or pain, making them feel bad for being unable to do something, so their family should be a safe haven from that. It won’t always be easy, but a acknowledging that it is needed really is the first step!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I have been honest with my mom about my roller coaster of feelings. She explained as you did that she loves gardening so much that when she feels up to it, she overdoes. I was afraid that the chronic pain complaint was just an excuse to take pain meds. Yes, I know how bad that sounds but when you have run the gamut with an alcoholic, trust is minimal. We spent a lot of time together before I moved to Colorado last month and talked through a lot of stuff, including her father. As older people are want to do, she has put me on a guilt trip about moving away when she depended on me so much. I had to. I have to live out the remaining 20 years of my life doing what is good for me. I have stood up to my family and Danny’s family. I had to tell my family that they are going to have to make some adjustments in order to do their part. Neither my brother or sister live close to my mother. I am rambling but it has been so nice to chat with you. Thanks for the encouragement. My wish for you is that you have more good days than bad.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t think it sounds bad at all, I think it sounds very honest. It is clear you care deeply about your mother, she may not always agree with how you show it…but that is something you can work through together. She is fortunate to have someone like you that cares enough to challenge, love, and hold her accountable. See, addiction to pain meds in those battling chronic illness is VERY real. BUT, I think something has happened in society to try and convince everyone that EVERYONE battling chronic illness and pain has that issue or if you don’t then your pain is not real. NEITHER is true. Yes, that is some people’s world, but by the grace of God that has NEVER been mine…yet my pain is VERY real. I would encourage you to keep being a strong presence in your mom’s life…especially her illness. But, let her guide things. If she says “I’m tired and can’t go to the party.” Simply reply, ok, take care of yourself. No reprimand no recommendation on how to conserve energy so this doesn’t happen again. Just being a understanding presence for her is worth more than anything on this planet…I am talking from personal experience.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Very good guidance! I have taken the high road in recent years because I have lowered my expectations.What I have seen is that she will want to attend when I know that it will be too hard on her but I let her make the decision. If she bails, no biggie. I have made the effort to understand how her illness affects her so I know more what to expect.

        Thank you so much for this, we are getting to be a healthy bunch here at Word Press by helping each other.😍

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I think at one point I had shared a similar blogroll of sorts of pain and diseases. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s and overcame it. I have had pain everywhere and learned from it. I still have pain yet for the decades of it I have went past. Was misdiagnosed with arthritis and got over that. Added is I am an insomniac with Chronic Fatigue and the enormous of added baggage. I literally feel your pain. Have been to tons of doctors, tons of tests, been through various studies and even had Hodgkins at 19.

    Liked by 1 person

    • WOW!!! It is rare to have people that TRULY get it…but when I find them it feels good. HATE that you had to have this experience. I seriously wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. When you say you overcame Crohn’s what do you mean?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I had issues leaving the house, I had screwed up my diet, my insides were a mess, lots of meds did not help, added acid reflux and GERD and I started training again slowly and went back to my gastro after him wanting to put me on meds and I shot it down and he said the inflammation is gone. It took me a good 2 months to reverse the effect.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh wow. Early on when I was first diagnosed I was convinced the diagnosis was wrong and I could beat it. I did the Maker’s Diet. I ate clean, did yoga, and refused to take any meds. Outwardly I looked amazing…but internally Crohn’s was LITERALLY eating up my insides. Wasn’t long before I ended up in the hospital for 14 days. While I HATE taking meds, I can say without hesitation that the combo I am on gave me my life back. Before I was a shell of myself. My goal is to ultimately be able to come off them…but I am 99.9% certain that won’t even happen…and that is now ok for me.

        Liked by 2 people

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